Thursday, November 5, 2009
Let Me Kiss You Like I Kiss My Girlfriend
Daddy used to say, "Let me kiss you like I kiss my girlfriend." As long as I can remember, I heard this every other day and I thought it was funny until I got a bit older. As a prepubescent child, I began to wonder why it made me feel creeped out when he talked that way. Then, one day he touched my chest and commented about my "filling out" and "getting breasts." He asked me if it made me feel uncomfortable...I said, "Yes" and he said, "Okay, I won't do it again." I began avoiding being alone with him though I still thought he was funny and I adored him. He would whistle and sing while shaving...just happy as hell to be greeting the morning. "Chucky-Baby! Aint nobody love you like I do!" He could crack me up all day, every day. I stopped letting him kiss me like he kissed his girlfriend...it was never really as involved as that anyway. I think, mostly, that it was his way of being funny though he flirted with a bit of perversity. One day, not long after Gayle had died and Linda had kicked him out of her house for the nth time, he got drunk and silly. I was 17 and hoping that he would stay home and give up on Linda. He was laying in bed and said, "Come here. Lay next to me." I did because I thought he was sad and needed company. He held me and started rubbing on me with his hard-on. I jumped up and yelled, "I'm your DAUGHTER not your fucking whore!" and started crying. I think he laughed a bit...maybe he thought it was a big joke, but I didn't. I told him never to touch me like that again...I am his DAUGHTER! Lisa came in at that moment and wanted to know what was wrong but I didn't tell her. I felt ashamed though I know that what happened was his weakness, not mine. I think that's why he married 3 times...because he was weak in the flesh and weak in character...spoiled to getting what he wanted...thinking he was charming enough to get away with anything. I know now that he is thinking about his life with many regrets. I feel bad for him and try to remember the fun times, the times when I felt special to him.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
i posted but stoopid Microsoft deleted it. I hate it when that happens.
ReplyDeleteOkay, that's just creepy. But how weird is it that we love our father thru his transgressions. I know what you're talking about and the betrayal that comes along with it. But the fact that we've risen above it? That's phenomenal. Most victims turn out to be quite permiscuous and have very low self esteem. I applaud your achievements and who you are today! Bravo.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the positive kudos. In truth, though, I think it affected me for most of my adult years...it affected my responses toward men and my marriage. I don't think I had enough information from growing up in dysfunction junction to respond in healthy ways as a young adult. Just being totally honest. Of course, being victimized by Kevin didn't help and he was a bigger perpetrator than anyone else. Now that's another subject altogether...
ReplyDeleteMom, it makes me ache to the core that you ever had to go through molestation (in whatever form it came in.) I know it's hard but I feel this writing is very cleansing and I'm so proud of you for facing it. Most people go through their whole life and never face it. And I want you to know that I admire you SO much for not giving in; for fighting for a better life and a happier future. I love you and I want you to know that you deserve everything that is beautiful in this world!
ReplyDelete